I’m writing/typing this on a Friday night, grandbabies have gone home, and the house is quiet and settled for the night. I’m tired, but can’t sleep. I can’t seem to get this mind to shut down and let me rest! I figured that if I can’t rest/ sleep, then why not write this night down, and see what happens. I guess you could say that I am doing a journal entry?
I just flipped to the SYFY channel, what’s going on with that station. They are actually running a Futurama marathon until 2 am. I don’t want to see that! Oh look; something called Snowmageddon is coming on right after that trash goes off. I used to love the SYFY channel; my shows were Bitten and Defiance. The trash that they are showing now is sad when you can’t sleep and would like some good television to watch and pass the time with. Hell, this station is getting worse; the only shows that seem worth a damn now are Killjoys, and The Expanse. I have watched a little of the Magician, just can’t get into that show!
Enough of that; time to flip through the channels; something has to be out there for me to watch. Let’s see what Showtime has to offer. Dang; not a damn thing, no new movies! Who watches this boring crap? Showtime is on my bad list too, the only decent shows that they offer are Homeland and Shameless. I can’t even find a rerun tonight or early morning of either! I miss Strike back, now that was a show worth recording. Yep, I have to move on again.
I am all the way into the 400, 467 to be exact. Who knew, this package had decent channels this far in! Finally, I found something to ease the mind, The Last Stand (movie). Arnold (The Terminator is in it), and my man Forest Whitaker. I hope after watching this that I can sleep or at least rest a little. I have always been a night person, but my body’s weary and worn right now, I know I need sleep, and badly.
What do other people do when they can’t sleep? For me, I have tried counting those sheep. Hell; I end up dressing them, and combing their hair after I get tired of counting. Hot milk, Yuck! I know some are wondering if she can’t sleep, why she is watching television. Television normally bores me, I try to use it to trick myself to relax and unwind. Since I prefer radio/music, (I know that if I cut any music on, I am up and wide awake) so it’s best to try the television. Even reading can keep me up; I will not rest until I finish, that book or article (OCD).
I could use some James Ingram about now! Resist, yes, resist! Honestly; I have a lot on my mind and decisions I don’t want to make, but need to make. Here goes, I have to decide on another round of chemo in a couple of months, and you got it. I don’t want it! My body feels, so good right now! Even when my body aches, I still feel good! I don’t want to lose that or have any chemical hinder that. Chemo is one of the worst treatments out there for any type of cancer or illness period. It can attack and kill your healthy cells, causes heart disease, and a shit load of other side effects.
Another thing that’s bothering me, or weighing me down, Is the bone marrow procedure. I had it done in December, that procedure took me to levels of pain I didn’t know existed. I have children, and childbirth was a piece of cake compared to that, did you know that you are awake for the whole procedure? I still have flashbacks of calling my mom’s name in my head lol! Yes, I did! I feel for any child that has to have that done. After going through it myself, I know what true pain is, and no child should have to experience that. I never want to have to do another, that’s for sure! I dream about that drill! I know that I am manifesting, but I don’t know how to stop.
Well, I am feeling better! Maybe I just needed to unburden my mind and lay what I was feeling out there. I don’t know if I will share this on my website or not? My children would be surprised if I did, they know that I am normally, very private about my issues. I give them credit for giving my issues Hell and not crying about them. What I mean by Hell; (time to support, help me fight) no whining about what we can’t change, and no going crazy or acting out because life has dealt another blow. I’m proud of them for that!
Now, don’t get me wrong, they can pluck my last nerve, and test my sanity at times. But when issues arise, they stand strong, just the way I need them too. Why they can’t do that with/in their own personal lives, I don’t know? As a parent, I shake my head at their personal dramas. I know they just read that sentence, and went oh Ma, NOOOOOOOO! Don’t tell our personal stuff. Don’t worry I won’t, lol.
I am starting to get sleepy now! Writing in my journal was just what I needed, and it helped me come to some conclusions as well.
(2018) I will be working on me, boosting the book club, and dropping two books…..I know what weakness is, been there! Won’t go back again without a fight, and failure is not an option. I rise!!!
Writer, Self-Published Author
Founder of Southside Book and Writers Club